Talking about money is taboo in the US. If you don’t believe me, next time you’re at a social gathering ask everyone you’re introduced to these two questions: “What was your taxable income last year?” and “What is your net worth?” It’s not a recommended way to make new friends.
The taboo on money conversations can cause real difficulties when it extends to families. My experience as a financial planner suggests most families in the US have a “no-talk” rule around money. While a lot of family members know each other’s earnings, fewer know family members’ net worth. Even fewer have asked about their parents’ estate planning.
Many don’t intend to ever ask. In an article posted on December 26, 2013, a blogger who calls himself the Financial Samurai wrote: “I never want to have the inheritance talk with my parents unless they initiate the conversation.” Based on the responses to his article, he isn’t the only person holding this opinion. Most children recoil at even the thought of asking their parents about the particulars of their estate plans.
In my experience, the most common reasons for not talking to parents about their inheritance plans are these: “It’s none of my business,” “I don’t want them to think I am greedy,” and, “It will ruin our relationship.”
Let’s look at each of these reasons:
“It’s none of my business.” It’s true that parents have no obligation to disclose their finances and estate plan to their children. Yet it could quickly become your business if you are named as an executor in their wills, a successor trustee in a trust, or an agent in their powers of attorney. Asking whether you are designated as any of these roles is totally reasonable. If you are, then knowing the particulars of their estate plan and finances would be helpful for you to know. It is such a reasonable request that, if your parents are not willing to discuss the details, you may be best served asking them to name someone else.
“I don’t want them to think I am greedy.” If you’ve had your hand out to your parents most of your life, asking them how much you’re going to get when they kick off may not evoke a loving response. However, if you have never asked your parents for money, or if you have asked for money and have paid them back, you probably don’t have much to worry about. If you approach the topic from the standpoint of wanting to be fully prepared to carry out any duties bestowed upon you, I seriously doubt your parents will suddenly think you’ve morphed into a greedy, money-sucking leach.
“It will ruin our relationship.” One of the strongest money scripts around talking about money is that doing so will permanently harm a relationship. The Financial Samurai wrote, “I hate thinking about money and family because so often money tears relationships apart.” While money issues can certainly tear apart a relationship, so can abusing alcohol, sex, drugs, work, power, and a host of other things.
What I’ve seen is that keeping secrets about money is more harmful to relationships than talking about money. When the no-talk rule is in effect, family members make up their own stories about what is real. Those stories are rarely true, and the assumptions around them can cause misunderstanding and mistrust.
Being the first to break a family’s “no money talk” rule isn’t easy. Yet having the courage to start money conversations can be a service to the whole family. In my experience, it ultimately leads to better estate plans, more trust, and stronger relationships.
